WE CAN DO IT!

I have wondered when it would be "the right time" to talk about something extremely personal in my life, and I don't know why it feels "right" now, but it does. So, here goes...



A few people who know me well, wondered why I became very quiet this past summer. I've told very few people about this, and not because of me, but to protect someone very special in my heart. Well, I am still protecting her, as I always will. NO WORDS I HAVE EVER SAID COULD BE MORE SINCERE! I am choosing right now to talk about it because who I am protecting has to know that even though we cannot be together right now, that not a moment passes that I do not think of her! And, I want the world to know this!



I will begin by quoting from the last e-mail that I received from her last August:



"I don't know when I will be able to get on here again, and it will probably be when you won't be able to talk to me anymore. But thank you so much for everything. Thank you for changing and not being what I had always been told you were. This totally sucks that this has to happen right after I found you. I feel motivated now to be better so that I can meet you guys when I'm 18. I don't feel like giving up as much anymore because I know now that you guys are going to be there for me. Thank you so much and I love you dad. It's just another year, we have both gone through almost 17 of them already with no communication, so it will be fine. We can do it. ;)"



Well, that was written by my daughter, Chloe, one of two daughters I left when they were babies. I hope and pray that my other daughter will someday allow me the opportunity to somehow make up for one of the most horrible mistakes I've ever made in my life, and until that time I will protect her privacy. As for Chloe - she did give me the opportunity to express how very sorry I am, and I am confident that she knows that I love her with every ounce of my being. And, I am telling you - everyone who cares to read this - that I am so proud of my daughter! And, I don't want her to ever think that she has been forgotten for even a moment because the truth is that I think of her every single day! And, that is why I have chosen to write this now.



I want you to know - just like I told Chloe - that there is nothing I can say or do that could ever justify abandoning my babies, other than to say that I truly thought at the time that I was doing the best thing for them. I was a completely different man than the guy who is writing this today. Regardless of the joy my firstborne daughters brought to my soul, they came right after I had finished spending six very long years in Federal Prison. It's been almost twenty years now since I walked out of prison and I can tell you that only in the last few years have I truly left that convict behind me. And, I'm very proud of that - the changes I made in my life.



So, those closest to me knew that my two little girls never left my heart. I'd talk about them always, and for a few years I even kept a journal that I wrote in just for them. I won't go into all of that, but they never ever left my heart. People always told me that someday they would come looking for me, and that is the hope I truly held onto. And, you know what - even right now - I am man enough to admit that this brings tears to my eyes. And, trust me, I know I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself about something I caused. Again, I could go on and on about that, so I'll just say that regardless of anyone else's experience, this truly and profoundly effected my life. In ways. I didn't even realize.



For starters, every single one of my friends know that my"thing" was drinking. Every one of my friends - and family - will tell you I was famous for being able to drink like a fish, and I did just that all the time. Like I said, that was "my thing". There was a time, and I kid you not - that I honestly could not imagine living life without alcohol being a part of it. It was an important part of my family and who I was - or so I thought. I never considered myself an alcoholic because I didn't need it - it was just "my thing." My Grandpa drank and so would I! I was practically raised going to bars, and spent a good part of my life working in them too. Well, you know what? I did quit. And, I honestly didn't realize it till weeks after I had. The day I quit drinking like a fish was the day my daughter and I talked for the first time. Wasn't even a conscience decision - just happened. Don't get me wrong, I will drink in the future - on very rare special occasions, and that's okay too. The difference is, I don't need to use alcohol as an escape from what had been bothering me. I know that was a big part of my drinking. This is also something I have not discussed publicly until now - the reason I just quit drinking.



Man, I gotta condense this cuz I truly could go on and on. So, Chloe and I are reunited. It was so amazing because from the very first moment we talked, it was like we'd never been apart. As far as the bond I felt in my heart goes - I won't speak for her. But, it was easy. It just flowed. From the very first conversation, I told her I would never lie to her, and I never did. I told her that no matter how she feels - I can't say anything about that - all I know is that she is in my heart and she is my baby girl. I made it very clear that I did not have any desire to take the place of the father that raised her, or to interfere in any way with her life - her happiness. I didn't know what to expect - other than I loved her with all my heart and soul and I only asked for an opportunity to prove this to her.By the way - in the email you just read - that was the first time she called me dad. And, I don't think she could ever possibly know how truly happy that made my soul!



So, her and her sister had been raised in a Mormon home - both been adopted and I thought they were living this happy life filled with all the good stuff I could never give them. And, all the times I prayed to God, I was confident in that - we had a deal. That wasn't the case. That right there crushed me!!! And, I made it very clear that I DID NOT care about nothing but my daughters happiness and well-being and all she had to do was say the word and I'd come for her in a minute - literally! I had good brothers and sisters that were ready to take her in until I could catch the first thing to come and pick her up. And bless my baby girl's heart because while I'm freaking out, trying to figure out any way to come to her rescue - she's the logical one - knowing that it would result in a kidnapping charge - to say the least.



So, in the weeks that followed, we laughed - we cried - caught up on what we'd missed, and it truly was like we were never apart as far as coming together in love. Now, I had been promised that the family - no one - would ever speak a bad word about me. That was the deal - if I stayed away, they would never speak badly of me and tell both my girls about me when they turned 18. Wasn't the case - they demonized me from day one! They painted a picture of me that was even worse than the admitedly bad dude that I actually had been. I'll tell you what - throughout all these real shitty things that I learned, I not once expressed anger - NOT ONCE! I just explained myself the best I could - AND NEVER LIED! And, you know what - some of the things I said, I was not proud of, but this was me - what brought me to who I am today.



In mid August, her parents found out that we were communicating and that was it! They immediately filed a protective order. She called me crying, asking me to do whatever I could to get her back. Even giving me legal ideas. She is truly my daughter. ;-) I tried every single legal avenue and when she had been adopted, I gave up all legal rights to her. There had to be a way! I tried everything. It was a tough day when I had to tell her that. You have no idea! No matter how creative the legal idea was, I was helpless. Meanwhile, her parents filed against me in court - a no contact order. They had collected every email that we had sent to each other - even using information from my Myspace account. As a matter of fact, my Myspace account was exhibit A! But, that was fine - I truly had nothing to hide, and I hoped a judge would read what my daughter and I talked about because they would know that I was definately no danger WHATSOEVER to my daughter. And, the judge did - but no one can legally do anything once I gave up all parental rights. They asked for a permanent protective order and the judge denied that, ending it this coming August when she turns 18. But no contact until then.



Still, I heard through friends how she was doing. About a month later, I got a call from a friend -"WHERE ARE YOU?" And she told me to wait there - she was on her way to see me - it was very important! Deep down, I knew in my heart what it was - I didn't want to think about it, but I just knew. And my friend told me Chloe had tried to kill herself. Okay, I gotta take a little break here. I'll finish this in a minute...



Anyhow, it took a real effort to compose myself and somehow get her to know that she absolutely had to hold on - and somehow remind her of what she told me - WE CAN DO IT! It took so SO MUCH to try to compose myself and do what I had to do to be the best dad - and friend - to her when she turns 18, and basically just work on that until that day comes. I've been known for most of my life as one who follows his own set of rules, and those rules were all about not giving a shit about laws or social expectations of what I should do if they went against my own perception of what was right, moral, and proper. This was truly the first time I ever surrendered to the law of the land, and knew in my heart that the only way that I could be the best dad to my little girl was to follow every line of the law and prepare for her to come back into my life. And, that's what I have done - what I am doing.



The saddest thing is when all this happened, I wanted one opportunity for her parents to listen to what i had to say! This was NOT about me - and I meant every word of NOT wanting to interfere in any of their lives. From day one - I made that so clear! And, even to this day, I have not spoken oine bad thing about her parents. My ONLY concern was the happiness and welfare of my daughter, and THAT'S IT! I told her over and over again that all I cared about was that she is happy!!! So, the sad part is that I know had they chosen to hear me out just once, they would have known that I would have done whatever they asked - and they could have controlled the relationship between Chloe and I.



They read all our communications, and I have the copies too. There is not a one that I would not share with anyone - just a father and daughter making up for a lifetime of being apart. Throughout everything, I stressed a great respect for her parents. In the end, I was told that they are scared that I will lead her away from the Mormon religion, or bring up things from the past that they wanted to keep hidden. Again - had they chose to talk to me, I would have respected this. I really don't know anymore? In the end, whatever I feel is best for Chloe is what I will do!



So, that's the secrecy that I been hiding for these past seven to eight months. I realize that my online life is most likely monitored very closely by people who want any reason to make certain that I'm not there for my daughter when she turns 18. So, yeah - I've been walking on the proverbial rice paper for a while now. Oh, don't get me wrong - I AM NOT BEING SOMEONE I AM NOT!!! Well, you know that!!! LOL But, I know a lot of you who really know me, know that I have always been one to say exactly what's on my mind. And, sometimes things I've regretted. I have always looked at this for what it is - just another communication tool. I aint trying to be something I'm not. It's just me.



To have "just me" presented in a courtroom was something I never expected. To read legal papers that are based solely on my Myspace account was something I truly never thought about. And, so much can be taken out of context when most of your friends and family are what society would consider "anti-social". If a brother calls me "a nig", they stand on their soapbox and call me a racist! Never caring to discover that two of the children I adopted are half black. Before this, I did not give a crap what anyone thought of what I said! I didn't think about what to say - I just said it! So, yeah - it's still me - MOST DEFINATELY! But I kinda think before I say something now! Maybe that's a good thing? ;-)



Anyhow, I love my daughter, Chloe with all my heart and soul and maybe she can't read these words now - I hope that she will soon. And, I want her to know that she is never out of my heart and my thoughts. She is my hero! And, she has a big family waiting here for her. And, people that don't even know her who have already grown to love her for being who she is - Chloe!



We Can Do It!