How To Be Romantic - For Dudes #relationship advice

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1. Get her some flowers. (hint: there's lots of free flowers just laying around at cemetaries)

2. Take her out to dinner. (McDonald's and Burger King doesn't count to women so you're gonna need to go all out - think Skippers for that touch of class - Chicks dig seafood)

3. Evidentally women like moonlit walks - so tell her to put on a coat and take her for a walk at night - when the moon's out. (hint: you can go to the store to pick up some beer or chips - this is killing two birds with one stone)

4. Evidentally women enjoy having lunch on a blanket outside - this is called a picnic. Maybe make a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and go eat them on a blanket with her. (peanut butter and jelly doesn't attract bears)

5. If she's done some shady stuff like sew you into a bedsheet and beat the shit out of you with a broomstick or accidentally pawned all of your good stuff, maybe think about forgetting all the crap from the past and starting from scratch. Love is kinda like your bike or car - sometimes you need to tune it up so it works better.

6. Grab some travel magazines and toss them at her, telling her that someday that'll be "us". Women like trips to the beach and stuff. (let her dream)

7. If you really want to impress the crap out of her, get a motel room for the night and make sure it has HBO and Showtime. Tell her it's a vacation. Chicks are weird that way!

8. Take her to Shakey's Pizza and kick the waitresses a five spot for that five star service like they have at fancy restaurants. You may run across some dick waiter who's just working there to earn enough money for the new X-Box, so just take a few moments to take him to the bathroom and tell him you'll beat the shit out of him if he doesn't treat your women like she's the Queen of England. Remember, you're paying for this!

9. Take her to the Dollar Store and tell her the skies the limit! Make sure you have at least fifty bucks cuz she'll live a life-long dream. Not only will you appear to be a big shot to her, she'll get all the stuff you are lacking at home, like toilet paper and candles and stuff.

10. Watch a French movie and get the accent down. then say stuff to her, and tell her it means romantic stuff like, 'I love you', 'you have a great ass', and 'do me.' You'll just be mumbling in a French accent, but she won't know this. unless, of course, she's french, in which case you'll probably actually have to learn the real French words for that romantic stuff. Women seem to think that French is the language of love! i know - huh!

11. When she complains and whines about stuff, try your best to pay attention to what she's saying cuz' even though it doesn't seem important to you, she thinks it's very important. Women's logic will make no sense to you, but try to see her side of things. Remember, she bleeds for five days a month and doesn't die, so you're dealing with a lot of issues about girlie stuff like her clothes not fitting right, her legs feeling bloated and a boatload of guilt cuz she fell off her diet and ate a Snickers bar. DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES EVEN ONCE!

12. Get her some yarn and some knitting needles to help her pass the time in a constructive manner.

13. Spray paint the lyrics to a cool love song on the ceiling above the bed. NOT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE either. Think sappy love songs that girls like, such as Mambo Number 5 or November Rain.

14. Fill up the bathtub for her and grab the vacuum hose to blow bubbles in the water like an uptown jacuzzi. Chicks dig spa like stuff!

15. Tell her she looks pretty in her jeans! or maybe comment on her make-up - something nice like, "nice make-up."

16. High five her at least once a day!

17. Try to remember her birthday and buy her something pretty. girls like pretty stuff. they also like it when you remember their birthdays.

18. teach her how to use the lawn mower. And, maybe ask her how to make toast or something. She'll think this is cool. like when Grandpa let you shoot a gun for the first time!

19. Sit in front of a fireplace and tell her you think she's pretty cool! This is called 'sweet nothings' and you doing it in front of a fireplace is like pretty darn special for chicks. count on a blow job for sure.

20. Teach her how to burn bugs with a magnifying glass so she can have fun with you in the summer. pretty romantic!

21. Buy her some candy! Women like candy!

22. Even if her hair looks like crap, tell her she has pretty hair! wmen like to be complimented on their hair!

23. Tell her at least once a week that you are amazed at how smart she is for a girl! Women like to think that you think she's smart.

24. Make her a sandwich and make a heart with the ketchup. DUDE! I know that sounds gay, but chicks like this! just make sure none of your guy friends aren't around. it's her word against yours, so you're safe.

25. Make sure you pat her on the back when she's doing dishes, and tell her that her services are very much appreciated. Toss in that she's the backbone of the domestic affairs of the house!

26. DON'T EVER compliment her friends or relatives boobs - EVER! An example would be telling her that her sister has nice tits! BIG NO NO!

27. Buy her some fancy underwear with flowers on it or something! This is called lingery and chicks like to wear flowery underwear!

28. try to be sensitive when she's on her period! Remember, she's bleeding like a stuck pig and can't help it! If she acts weird, just ask her, "Does this have to do with your period?" That's called being sensitive to her girlie needs!

29. Buy her some perfume! The best stuff is at the Dollar Store! Girls like to smell pretty! They do this to cover up their farts so it's really important to them!

30. If she draws her eyebrows on and it looks like a blind man did it, DO NOT TELL HER, "What's up with them eyebrows?" I got hit for doing this once! evidentally they like the Picasso make-up job?

31. When the carnival comes to town, take her on the Ferris Wheel and try to explain the mechanics behind this ride. then tell her how amazed you are at how smart she is for a girl!

32. Write her name in snow with pee! If you drink enough, try to do a heart or something dumb like that. This is super romantic cuz she can show her friends what you made! you will be considered thoughtful!

33. Leave the toilet seat down at least once a week! again, this shows you thought about her - thus you are thoughtful! that's a girlie word for caring about her everyday maintenance and stuff.

34. Take her shopping for a fancy dress! Goodwill has lots of fancy girlie stuff at a budget price.

35. Tell her what an important part she plays in the orderly running of your everyday life. Make sure you add that it would be very hard to replace her! Chicks like to feel important!

36. Cook her breakfast at least once a year! Breakfast because it's relatively simple to learn how to cook a bowl of cereal. Go to the library if you have any questions. Check out a cook book. instructions are also on the box of cereal.

37. Never make direct eye contact with her when she is on her period! ALSO, no sudden movements! Don't raise your voice! Think - living with a full grown pissed off Grizzley Bear!

38. Get her a cat! Women have an unatural affinity to cats and it will be like a buffer zone between you when she's on her period! Watch When Animals Attack and you'll understand! If it's just you and her, she doesn't think second about picking up a toaster and throwing it at you, but with a cat there, she won't resort to these violent acts! it's scientific!

39. Tell her how proud you are of her laundering skills! say something nice like, "you do laundry like a Chinaman!" Compliment her on getting your underwear the perfect shade of white! This is like The President complimenting John Glenn on walking on the moon.

40. Make sure you slap her on her butt and tell her she's kinda pretty at least once a month! Compliment her on her lip stick application skills!

41. Write her name on her apron with a Sharpie! This tells her that you are satisfied with her cooking duties and want to keep her around for a while! Remember - Sharpies are permanent ink! This is a HUGE step!

42. Come up with a cool nickname for her! Not like a gangster nickname like Joey Bananas or Luey The Tuna, but something like what they do in the movies when people are in love. Think Sugerbritches, Sweet Tits, or Honeypants! Chicks like it when you give them a girlie nickname!

43. Don't ever tell her that you think her mom is stupid! EVER!

44. DON'T EVER TELL HER THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE HER MOM WHEN SHE'S MAD!

45. A woman's mouth is one of the dirtiest things known to man, but you're going to have to man up and kiss her at least once! Forget the microorganisms living in her mouth, and learn to safely kiss her. Talk to your physician for preventative measures you can take!

46. Get her a pocket knife! This shows that you trust her! We're not talking a Bowie Knife, just a small pocket knife! This is also good if you're ever kidnapped by terrorists and tied up cuz she can help cut the ropes!

47. Ask her about her childhood to get a better understanding on what risks you face on a daily basis. Look for key words like that she once beat the crap out of a boy back in the third grade! Or that she tied up her ex boyfriend in a bed sheet and beat the shit out of him with a broom stick! This shows a history of violence, and this combined with the period thing, is a recipe for disaster! SAFETY FIRST!

48. Women seem to have a need for close physical contact, meaning she'll want to sit next to you on the couch like Head lice! She's gonna want to hug you and cuddle - which is a hug times 20! At first this will seem like a third arm growing out of your ass, or like you got Crabs, but the initial shock will pass and you will most likely accept this as necessary in maintaining a girlfriend relationship. Remember, if you go into a locker room, you're gonna see some dick!

49. If your woman smokes Crack Cocaine, you might as well sell all your good stuff now because eventually she'll sell all your stuff! The price of having a relationship with a Crack Cocaine addicted woman is basically never having nice expensive stuff.Also, they don't cook very good!

50. If your woman can kick your ass, you need to really consider the ramifications of a woman that lives with you being able to smack the shit out of you whenever you screw up! Remember, for five days a month, this person has no control of her hormones! This is when Grizzley Bears maul people! Start taking karate classes right away! and not those pussy mall karate classes either, you want the hardcore MMA extreme fighting classes!

51. Don't take apart your motors and engines on the coffee table anymore! women don't like this very much!

52. if you have a fort, she has to be a part of it now! I know! this goes beyond everything we were taught about our clubhouses and forts, but this is what people call diplomacy! The price - and sacrifice of having a girlfriend.

53. Women like to be wined and dined! Grab a twelve pack of beer and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and spend a night watching reruns of in The First 48 Hours or When Animals Attack!

54. You're gonna have to start wearing shitty looking Holiday sweaters during Christmas so my advice to you is to go to Goodwill and pick one out before she does it for you! That way you might be able to score a halfway decent looking sweater with reindeer on it as opposed to some gay looking snow man prancing in the snow!

55. Never EVER sleep with her sister - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! There's a few deal breakers in maintaining a girlfriend, and this is one of them!

56. You'll find that she will start buying clothes for you. before you know it, you'll be dressed just like her dad! if you want an idea of how you'll look after about a year, look at her dad!

57. Tell her you love her at least once a month! a good time to do this would be when she is having her period and is about to throw dishware at you! it wouldn't hurt to throw in a "you're so pretty" either!

58. Watch the movie, Full Metal Jacket, for an idea of how she will be talking to you after about a year. Although, she probably won't have you choking yourself, she will be telling you that the best part of you ran down your Momma's crack and left a stain on the bed! Remember - it's all about those crazy hormones!

59. If she asks you if she looks fat in her pants, you have to tell her no, even if she does!

60. If she has firearms, demand that they not be in your home! would you arm Grizzley Bears or Great White Sharks? No! that's just a recipre for disaster!

61. Do a thorough background check on her before getting serious! Make certain that she has no criminal record for cutting off her exes weiner! Remember Jon Bobbit! That really happened!

62. It's a good idea to have her checked out by a priest in the event that she's possessed by a demon! Sorry, but I've watched Paranormal Activity on the tv, and that stuff really happens! You've got enough things to worry about without wondering if she'll levitate off the ground oneday and start puking evil stuff all over your personage!

63. Never EVER remove the front door and mail it to her parents - C.O.D.!

64. Don't even try to ask her to pull your finger! The exciting world of farting is over! Don't even think of lighting them on fire either!

65. Be nice to her friends no matter how bitchy they seem! Think Switzerland during World War 2!

66. Get your family tree printed out and hang it boldly on the living room wall! In the spot next to you, write"this could be you if you play your cards right!"

67. Never use the Twilight Zone theme song as her ring tone! Women don't like this! Also, Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne will result in friction!


Before you think I'm a male chauvanist pig, this was written as a humor piece. i haven't written anything fun in a while. it felt good.
ne033x aka Danny